Precious Pain
by wolvesjr34
Summary: Maura's random thoughts a year after Jane's death. Sad, it's a creative manifestation of my sadness at the shows cancellation.


I always thought the days would be the hardest. Not seeing you first thing in the morning before we headed into work. Not seeing you at a crime scene. Not having lunch with you. I truly thought the days would be the hardest, but I was wrong. It's the nights, which I find strange given that we didn't spend as much time together at night as we did during the day.

How am I supposed to live without you? I know that I will continue to breathe without you, but there's an incredible difference between existing and living. So I ask you my friend, how do I live without you? How do I live with the regrets? Why didn't I tell you what you meant to me until it was too late? Why did I bow to fear?

You built me up and taught me so much. I know you considered me a walking Wikipedia, even if very few articles are thoroughly peer reviewed, but Jane you showed me a whole new world. You taught me about love and family. You are my family Jane, nothing will ever change that. Not even death.

I want to find a way to keep living, because I know that's what you would want for me. I just don't know if I can do anything more than breathe and maintain basic nourishment. It just hurts so much to breathe Jane. I never truly understood the phenomenon of physical manifestation of emotional pain until now. Yes I have hurt before, but nothing felt like this. This permanent ache in my chest – this hollow empty feeling; I could have done more. I should have done more.

It has been a year Jane. One year without your signature eye rolls and often times confounding sarcasm. One extremely long hauntingly painful year. I would like to say the nightmares have subsided, but they haven't and unless I medicate I do not sleep through the night. I relive that day over and over again and most times nothing changes. The result is always the same, a reflection of reality. In many ways those are the easier nightmares to deal with; because sometimes I save you Jane, but then I wake up in a sweat searching for you like it was all one giant nightmare. Of course then reality hits and the guilt returns.

I am so angry with you Jane. Why did you do it? Why did you have to take that bullet for me? I don't care that it's who you are… were. You're gone Jane, you're gone because of me. That bullet was meant for me and now you're gone. I know you would do anything for those you love, but this… this was completely unacceptable. You left me behind. You left me behind and it hurts, so, so much.

It has been one year since I cradled you in my arms and felt the tears stream down my face knowing that there was nothing I could do. I will never forget the fear in your eyes as you realised that you had run out of chances. He may as well have shot me right along with you that day Jane, because watching the light fade from your eyes was my end. The feeling of your bloodied hand falling limp and away from my face is scorched into my memory; right along with your final words.

"I love you too."

You knew. All these years you knew, and damn you Jane Rizzoli, you didn't do a single thing about it. Why were we so foolish? Why did we waste the time we had? Ten years is just a moment in time. An eighth of an average life expectancy. It's not fair. You deserved a long happy life Jane, for all the hell that you went through for others; you deserved a long happy life. There is no justice.

You will live on in my heart always my friend. I hope that one day this pain will subside enough that I can live the life you would want for me. Regardless, I know that a piece of you will always be with me. I'll hold on to your love, your smile, your laughter, the mischievousness in your eyes and the memory of your arms wrapped around me. You are my precious pain.

* * *

 **A/N: So yeah this is short and sad and ugh, but I guess all I can say is the announcement of the cancellation of the show after season seven needed to come out some how. I am aware that I have not updated my other stories in a while, but I am just not in the writing zone, I do intend to return to them as soon as I am able. In honesty I'm not sure I am happy with this either, but I just wanted my sadness out there.**

 **Rizzoli and Isles, you will be missed. I shall grieve before you are gone. I'm grieving now. Thanks for the memories, I sure hope you bow out in style!**

 **As usual thank you for reading and reviewing and all that jazz. Also, sorry once again.**


End file.
